Thank You!

Dan and I were invited to pop along to the Davenham Ramblers Society Annual Dinner last night to collect a cheque from their sponsorship money raised on their walk on September the 4th - Which would have been Ellie's birthday. What a great bunch of ladies and gents who obtained a fabulous £731.50 for the cause!!! Special Thanks go to Gill Bennett for suggesting us!

At last we've been Tweeted about!

Tessa Sanderson CBE

@tessasanderson

http://www.tessa.co.uk

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tessasanderson Tessa Sanderson CBE 

@danprince1 The event was great full of heart. Thank you for sharing your story I will remember. Much love to you both xx

1 hour ago 

tessasanderson Tessa Sanderson CBE 

@ 

@danprince1 @dragonjones@Lord_Suga@damekellyholmes@DuncanBanatyne@piersmorgan@pinkshoeclub a lovely couple it was a tearful journey x

1 hour ago 

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tessasanderson Tessa Sanderson CBE 

@ 

@EstherMcVeyMP Really enjoyed Thank you they were true champions.I was so proud of your Community and Chester a very pretty place to visit

11 hours ago 

Bittersweet Symphonies...

I have been to lots of corporate dinners and work related awards do's in the past few years, I was never a winner - I'm always an almost won, a runner up if even a competitor in the first place! But Hey!, that's OK, I've never had huge drive or ambition -  I'm used to being average, ordinary - the world needs people like me that just keep on plodding - not enough room in this world for hundreds and thousands of go-getters.
So it was, needless to say - weird last night - anxiously awaiting the compare, journalist Trevor Green to read out our story in a room full of prettily dressed ladies, smart gentlemen, special children, ladies and the engaging and warm Tessa Sanderson.
This award rather than any award in the whole world that I might have liked to have been considered for, like an Oscar, Ivor Novello or even Chocolate Sales Person of the Year award - above all of these things I really wanted for Dan and I to win, for Ellie.

The citation covered our story succinctly, each little word reminding me of the journey we had been on, and the bumps in our road before that eventual 'crashing into the tree' moment. So the tears flowed, enevitably. The lovely representative from Scottish Power, Ann announced with sincere delight that we were the winners. (Cue the Gwyneth Paltrow moment) Dan bounced on to the stage hugging Tessa like a long lost friend while I ambled in my precarious (for me) 2 inch glittery mules to the words of Eva Casidy's Fields of Barley (finally finishing off me and my Mother in one fail swoop).
I am, looking back slightly, vainly, disappointed that our award photograph, which may be in the local paper next week will feature by beaming husband next to the first Mrs Rochester, with smudgy mad eyes and  red blotchy face peering out from the preened curly hair and diamonte jewellery, such effort only every really seen previously on my wedding day.
Many people who had been judges came to congratulate us on this bittersweet award and we are thankful and honoured to share it with everyone who helped and supported us, especially the ward of course!
But mostly - this award was a testament to our strength together as a couple, as a family.
Here are a few photos from the night for those of you who don't go on Facebook.  :-)

Grieving Work

My lovely Facebook friend in Canada was telling me the other day how she'd had a 'crying day'. She lost her little boy a few weeks after Ellie passed away. I wasn't sure if I'd had one for a while and started to feel wracked with guilt that maybe I was starting to not feel sad anymore. Until I had a 'crying day' yesterday too.

You'll have to forgive me a little  - you see, I've never really done 'death', I've lost grandparents, dogs and cats but that really all and most of that was when I was young so really it never really touched me the same way. So when I have been feeling guilty, or anxious or angry and frustrated apparently it's all ok, natural even...

My friend told me that we all deal with grief in the same ways just at different speeds and times. She also sent me a beautiful book to read about dealing with grief from the loss of your child. Its a funny sort of book. I looked at the front cover for quite a few days before I actually decided to read it.

It's got a big comforting font and short succinct chapters that make for good reading for a'bereaved parent' who has an inability to sit still for more than five minutes or concentrate with out dark thoughts clouding their minds.

For that is who I am now. Not Laura. But the woman who lost her baby. The bereaved parent. 

This bereaved parent realised that in order to move forward there was a lot of going backwards to do, so it has been with trepidation that I have begun to read Ellie's blog from the beginning. Dan thinks this is a bad idea. Perhaps he was right as yesterday was a tough one but it was almost like just having her back with me for a little while. 

Ellie was at home with us where she belonged this time last year, but we knew that things were not right...if only things had been different, she would be crawling now, perhaps gaining a few teeth, perhaps keeping us up all night screaming with a temperature from some bug or flu and I still think that would be better than the alternative. I still haven't gone to sit in her room. I still wipe any fleck of dust from her little urn every morning and I still kiss her photograph goodnight before I go to sleep. 

I am feeling very pushed and torn, many people who sees me mention that perhaps I should be back at work, that it's no good me being 'idle' at home.But I AM working, I'm working on my grief and believe me it's the hardest job i've ever done. 

Last Year in the Autumn leaves