Grieving Work

My lovely Facebook friend in Canada was telling me the other day how she'd had a 'crying day'. She lost her little boy a few weeks after Ellie passed away. I wasn't sure if I'd had one for a while and started to feel wracked with guilt that maybe I was starting to not feel sad anymore. Until I had a 'crying day' yesterday too.

You'll have to forgive me a little  - you see, I've never really done 'death', I've lost grandparents, dogs and cats but that really all and most of that was when I was young so really it never really touched me the same way. So when I have been feeling guilty, or anxious or angry and frustrated apparently it's all ok, natural even...

My friend told me that we all deal with grief in the same ways just at different speeds and times. She also sent me a beautiful book to read about dealing with grief from the loss of your child. Its a funny sort of book. I looked at the front cover for quite a few days before I actually decided to read it.

It's got a big comforting font and short succinct chapters that make for good reading for a'bereaved parent' who has an inability to sit still for more than five minutes or concentrate with out dark thoughts clouding their minds.

For that is who I am now. Not Laura. But the woman who lost her baby. The bereaved parent. 

This bereaved parent realised that in order to move forward there was a lot of going backwards to do, so it has been with trepidation that I have begun to read Ellie's blog from the beginning. Dan thinks this is a bad idea. Perhaps he was right as yesterday was a tough one but it was almost like just having her back with me for a little while. 

Ellie was at home with us where she belonged this time last year, but we knew that things were not right...if only things had been different, she would be crawling now, perhaps gaining a few teeth, perhaps keeping us up all night screaming with a temperature from some bug or flu and I still think that would be better than the alternative. I still haven't gone to sit in her room. I still wipe any fleck of dust from her little urn every morning and I still kiss her photograph goodnight before I go to sleep. 

I am feeling very pushed and torn, many people who sees me mention that perhaps I should be back at work, that it's no good me being 'idle' at home.But I AM working, I'm working on my grief and believe me it's the hardest job i've ever done. 

Last Year in the Autumn leaves