How to get the best out of this blog...

All blogs post are more recent first, if you want to read about Ellie's Journey I'd suggest starting from the first post back in September 2011 (October Posts) and read on Chronologically from there. It will make more sense and you'll get to meet the little girl who gave my life purpose.
Thank You for reading - every new reader shows that she has met another person and in her short life made such an impact. x

Monday, 27 June 2011

Introducing Little Miss Ellie - incase you never met....

Some of you never met our beautiful brave little girl. That's why I'd like to share this video I found on my phone last night. It was taken in the middle December, at the hospital obviously. It was a night when Dan had gone home to sleep and I just stayed awake talking and singing to her.  There was a rare moment when she made a little speaking noise too, which might not just be in this clip.It was so painful watching and remembering just what a sweet special little baby she was. At this point she was still quite mobile with her arms legs hands and head...later videos would show a dramatic change in her :-(
We have very few video clips, not sure why really, although we used to try and film her to capture seizures for the doctor and I guess, well, she never really did much...thats what makes these clips so very special. I know she was more than just pictures on this blog, to me she was flesh and blood, breathing and heart beating.

I have loaded a couple of extra ones on there specific days, so there's a challenge for you if you wanted to find them, and if not they will just be a nice addition if you pop back in time.

Thursday, 23 June 2011

Preserving the Memories

Just to let you know that Reverand Breffit was very nice.
He has taken all our plea bargaining chips for the Church Council Meeting on the 13th July.
There is one concern regarding the land.  It was given to St Marks Church over 60 years ago with the plan that it was for a new church to be built upon.  The only time a tree we plant for Ellie could become under threat is if builders gained planning permission for the back fields, which noone in Shavington wants!! The Reverand feels that in this instance if builders offered them money to buy the land they might be able to have a new church. what trees can we plant that we could put a preservation order on them....??

Tuesday, 21 June 2011

Dealing With Grief

No one really wants to talk about the kind of stuff that will rake up bad feelings, remind them of sad times, drag them into darkness, when they are still trying to convince themselves that they are just doing OK, just OK. But when company doctors and company managers suggest the benefits of grief counseling you kinda feel like it's your duty to do this. At 4pm on a Monday. That's your allotted grief time.
No one quite prepares you for the stomach tightening, anxiety ridden feeling as you are heading towards the session. Or the headaches left over after the tear fest agony of yet again going over the finer details of the events leading up to and including death. Assessing the utter numbness that still resides inside you and makes you sick and dizzy. But apparently it helps.
Apparently keeping busy is ok, as long as you are not avoiding the issue.
Remembering each tiny pin prick injection into our beautiful little girls soft pink heel was only the start of the things we are trying to forget continuing to the day her skin became less pink but pale and alabaster. These are things that I have every right to avoid, these are my car crashes and nightmares, these are the reason I still wake screaming down the house and scaring my dear neighbours.
So I'm not so sure about the counseling just yet.
I have an appointment to meet the local Reverand of St Marks Church tomorrow, I need to convince him that Ellie was special enough to deserve a tree planted in her memory across the road in the church field. I may be calling on people to email with a petition if I am unsuccessful.
Wish me luck.

Sunday, 12 June 2011

Little Suprise Donation....

Here's a  local news story, I spotted this online today and had no idea about it! How fantastic that Ellie's name is once again is being honoured. A huge Thanks to the people responsible...I dont know who you are but it is all really fantastic! xx

Friday, 3 June 2011

Three month milestone

It occurred to me that if it's three months today since Ellie died, then its three months until it would have been her birthday. The birthday thing is sitting waiting to attack me with a machette, but in the mean time I get a mini dagger as my lovely aqua friends are starting to celebrate their babies first birthday's. I'm sure they will forgive me for missing a few happy birthday cards, I'm sure they wont mind,  after all I'm the peverbial sad case. The one that people make allowances for. The one that people still dont know what to say to me, so it's easier for them to not.  Appart from this strange lady who stopped me as I was leaving the house for a brief moment, she was passing by the door.
'Oh,' she says,' are you alright now?' I looked at her quizzically, Did  I know this elderly woman recognising my confusion she asks again, 'Oh sorry are you not the lady that lives here..?' Well yes I am, I reply and then it clicks as she continues vaugely, 'I was very sorry to hear about everything,' My turn to say Oh. Right, why am I having this conversation on my doorstep, where did it come from? Within a matter of minutes this lady is continuing, 'Will you try again....' Well I no, I dont think  that's....'Ooh Go on,' she says interrupting me  'Try again!' enthusiastically digging at me with her crinkled skinned elbow. I think I closed the door in her face. It was my best attempt at being rude whilst I was speechless. So there it was left with me, the fact that 1.this woman assumed that after all we'd been through three months was about the right amount of time to be able to forget about Ellie and make another baby and more importantly 2. that babies for me don't just magically appear.