How to get the best out of this blog...

All blogs post are more recent first, if you want to read about Ellie's Journey I'd suggest starting from the first post back in September 2011 (October Posts) and read on Chronologically from there. It will make more sense and you'll get to meet the little girl who gave my life purpose.
Thank You for reading - every new reader shows that she has met another person and in her short life made such an impact. x

Tuesday, 21 June 2011

Dealing With Grief

No one really wants to talk about the kind of stuff that will rake up bad feelings, remind them of sad times, drag them into darkness, when they are still trying to convince themselves that they are just doing OK, just OK. But when company doctors and company managers suggest the benefits of grief counseling you kinda feel like it's your duty to do this. At 4pm on a Monday. That's your allotted grief time.
No one quite prepares you for the stomach tightening, anxiety ridden feeling as you are heading towards the session. Or the headaches left over after the tear fest agony of yet again going over the finer details of the events leading up to and including death. Assessing the utter numbness that still resides inside you and makes you sick and dizzy. But apparently it helps.
Apparently keeping busy is ok, as long as you are not avoiding the issue.
Remembering each tiny pin prick injection into our beautiful little girls soft pink heel was only the start of the things we are trying to forget continuing to the day her skin became less pink but pale and alabaster. These are things that I have every right to avoid, these are my car crashes and nightmares, these are the reason I still wake screaming down the house and scaring my dear neighbours.
So I'm not so sure about the counseling just yet.
I have an appointment to meet the local Reverand of St Marks Church tomorrow, I need to convince him that Ellie was special enough to deserve a tree planted in her memory across the road in the church field. I may be calling on people to email with a petition if I am unsuccessful.
Wish me luck.


  1. I suppose companies have to go through the motions without really understanding or knowing what may or may not be the best thing to do. I hope they are giving you time and caring for you too.

    I can only imagine what you are going through.

    A tree sounds like a wonderful idea and Ellie is certainly special enough to deserve one. Good luck with that and here with my pen if needed! Hopefully not though.

    Take care and thinking of you xx

  2. It's very hard to know what is right, ie what may help, when you know deep down the reality is that you can't. Human nature leaves us on the sidelines appalled by our helplessness.

    Thinking of you both xx

    PS If you need a petition signing, let me know.

  3. A tree is a lovely idea and i'm sure you won't have much convincing to do but if you do i'm happy to help you x as for the counselling i think it's an individual thing that only you and Dan can decide if it's right or not and mustn't feel pressured into doing if it's not what you want. Thinking of you both x x x x

  4. Laura

    The counselling I went to which was recommended by my Dr was like torture, it set me back months, I stopped going after 3 sessions because I could not bare it.
    I now go to a group session at Clire house, the only reason this is not so bad is I am in the company of other parents who know exactly how I feel and not some do gooder counselor who is quoting from a book (I am sure they are not all bad). Plus over a year has past, not that it gets much easier with time, it doesnt hurt any less but I am more comfortable in the group and even allowed myself to cry in front of them!!
    Love to you, Lyn

  5. We are with you all the way Laura and Dan and the tree planting should definitely go ahead as Ellie is a Special Little Girl!

    All our love forever.
    Jo and John x