Leighton Hospital sent us a letter inviting us to the Rememberance Service at St. Peter's Church at Church Minshull, it's usually held at the hospital but this year the tiny wooden pews in the sweet and homely chapel were full to the rafters of families who came to pay their respects.
Those of you who that know me will be aware that my relationship with God is somewhat - undecided, although I was christened as a baby, sung in a methodist chapel as a child then had a civil wedding ceremony, I have moved further and further away from religion. Not by choice so much perhaps more by circumstance. But I remain open mindeed - not to be easily swayed but to chose the things that suit me - I will not follow a crowd.
Dan is agnostic I think he describes himself, he believes in science and evolution- so I was a little suprised that he wanted to come along to a church with me but it was important, it would be just this one time and it was to remember Ellie.
There was almost a distinct Christmassy feel as we waded in with the other 'guests' and found a good hiding place at the end of a pew next to the wall. As I looked around the room I was strangely comforted by the sheer amount of people of all ages who had come along to remember a lost child or baby. We all sat in mixed stages of grief and as hymms were sung softly, some more exuberant than most. I then felt a hand in mine and pressure being squeezed slowly as tears began to release themselves and flow steadily down both our cheeks.
We listened to stories about angels and God adopting our children. I know Dan does not believe that - he is angry that if God is real why would her take her from us. But I undestood at this point that it was science that was responsible, genetics that made Ellie the way she was, and actually if God was real and took her away he took he so she wouldn't have to suffer.
So that's what I decided. To accept that might just be God's will. I might not like it - but if I were to believe in Heaven then Ellie is there, isn't she? Not an Angel, but just a child and hopefully she is growing in a way she would never had chance to on Earth - and one day maybe I will get to hold her in my arms again.
And if there isn't Heaven, then when I die perhaps all I will know is darkness - I will cease to be - so I will not know any different.
Christmas is approaching - this time last year we were already embedded into Ward 17, about to embark on the toughest journey of our lives.
I pulled out the bag in which I kept all the cards we were given last year and the decorations that we adorned on her cot and walls. I will tidy them up and make space for them in our home.
We have been without Ellie for 9 months. It still hurts like it did then, only the pain is spread throughout the day like a dull, persistant headache rather than constant numbing migrain. No pill makes it go away.
The Christmas box came down from the loft, with a heave ho! and a thud onto to carpet, this year with two years of attic dust and starling feathers as it never saw the light of day last year. I noted that in Sharpie marker 'WE WERE HERE'graffitti, 2007 Dan and Lou, 2008 it was the two of our names added by Marlee, 2009 our 'family' grew and then there was Lilly and then 2010 - nothing. It was weird, that I'd started this three year pattern hoping, maybe expecting that bit by bit names would be added to that role of honour. You forget all the things in that box don't you? Good job I got it down before hitting the local garden centre else I'd be over run with Christmassy paraphenalia (yes people that is possible!) I like Christmas pretty neat, organised, cute and classic, reds whites, gingerbreads. I don't like tinsel, sorry, but I love fairy lights, they make the dullest room feel starry and magical.
I had ordered myself this really pretty ceramic angel back in June for this year, its only about 10cms in height but then the tree is a dinky this year, modest to co-incide with our dampened Christmas spirit, but special all the same as this potted tree was bought last year in the hope that our little girl would make it home to see it. She never got to see a real Chistmas tree, so sad that I never saw these lights reflected in those beautiful big eyes. So the pure fact that I have kept it alive all year and seen it grow a whole 1/2 a foot! I was thrilled to bring it into the house and decorate it with this particular angel decoration. Christmas may prove to be a particularly hard milestone but I'll carry on taking deep breaths and smile and work through it, one day at a time. 
