Tick Tock

On Tuesday we became 5 months further away from our baby girl. Which means that we are on our way to our slow and excruciating 6 months culminating in what would have been a magical fun birthday celebration.
So then what to plan for - running away, pretending like it's not happening but all along knowing that the 'right' thing to do is to face up to it and do the day...experience the pain, to help you move on, to gain the 'closure'.
But what if you dont want the closure, what if you want to stay in the world where she still exists....where its still a bad dream and you will wake up?

I could never fully explain the sickness that wallows at the bottom of your stomache on a day to day basis that comes from losing a child, but people lose children...it happens...i've unfortunatley come across this more often since losing my child. People gravitate towards each other, to share their losses. And thats good, believe me, it's helpful to have that silence where people can sit and 'just know'.
But it seems to me that we are missing something....other people seem to be able to celebrate these 'would have been' birthday's and send balloons to the sky, to hold other peoples children or to live on through those children they all ready have or for some which is of course beautiful, they have new babies on the way. They get a chance to live again.
Ellie was a scientific miracle, a NHS gift from IVF. And she will probably be the only one. And getting your head round that is tough, when babies are born everyday to those unworthy, unwanted. Its crappy. And I'm not after sympathy. Just wanted to have a moan,  to say 'Hey you know what, infertility is a painful business, and to my lovely friends who are also struggling to get the family they deserve, be brave and amazing  and have hope. Because in spite of everything, I still have hope that I will get to be a mummy again one day. (Preferably before I go grey!!)