It occurred to me that if it's three months today since Ellie died, then its three months until it would have been her birthday. The birthday thing is sitting waiting to attack me with a machette, but in the mean time I get a mini dagger as my lovely aqua friends are starting to celebrate their babies first birthday's. I'm sure they will forgive me for missing a few happy birthday cards, I'm sure they wont mind, after all I'm the peverbial sad case. The one that people make allowances for. The one that people still dont know what to say to me, so it's easier for them to not. Appart from this strange lady who stopped me as I was leaving the house for a brief moment, she was passing by the door.
'Oh,' she says,' are you alright now?' I looked at her quizzically, Did I know this elderly woman recognising my confusion she asks again, 'Oh sorry are you not the lady that lives here..?' Well yes I am, I reply and then it clicks as she continues vaugely, 'I was very sorry to hear about everything,' My turn to say Oh. Right, why am I having this conversation on my doorstep, where did it come from? Within a matter of minutes this lady is continuing, 'Will you try again....' Well I no, I dont think that's....'Ooh Go on,' she says interrupting me 'Try again!' enthusiastically digging at me with her crinkled skinned elbow. I think I closed the door in her face. It was my best attempt at being rude whilst I was speechless. So there it was left with me, the fact that 1.this woman assumed that after all we'd been through three months was about the right amount of time to be able to forget about Ellie and make another baby and more importantly 2. that babies for me don't just magically appear.
Me too - being the proverbial sad case. I hate being the one that everyone feels awkward around. As for the old lady - I'm sorry people suck sometimes.
ReplyDeleteI hate when people think being old gives them the right to be rude - or as they like to think - outspoken. Same bloody difference. I'm sorry that happened. Three months is nothing, when you think of the amount of time you planned having Ellie, then had her for those precious 6 months. Of course people will understand you missing cards, that sort of thing isn't important. You and Dan managing to get through everyday is all that is. The future will take care of itself.
ReplyDeleteI'm always here if you want to chat Xxxxxx
The milestones are tough, but I think not as tough as what you've already gone through. It won't make difference to you now, but a year outside of our loss, I think I feel stronger. Not better, maybe, but stronger and less afraid to face the milestones. You'll get there. Until you do, continue shutting the door on people who can't help you and don't understand. Take all the time you need.
ReplyDeleteThinking of you and sweet Miss Ellie.